


Yellow Paint and Stars

by n_j_m00



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Adventure, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Dreams vs. Reality, Dreamscapes, F/M, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Insomnia, References to Depression, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 13:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19318918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n_j_m00/pseuds/n_j_m00
Summary: "Everyone has their yellow paint. Even you.""I think I know what my yellow paint is.""What is it?""You're my yellow paint."☆A story about missing a ghost who never really died.





	Yellow Paint and Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Sick!Jaemin and Artist!Reader
> 
> I recommend listening to Bazzi: Live Forever while reading this fic!

_"The doctors say I don't have much time left."_

 

_"Yeah, I know."_

 

_"I really wanna go on an adventure before I leave."_

 

_"An adventure?"_

 

_"Mhm. A fun one. I wish I was healthy enough to do that."_

 

_"We're only kids so even if you have a healthy body, we won't be able to go on an adventure. But we can pretend."_

 

_"Pretend?"_

 

_"Yeah. Pretend, that we're going on a long journey; pretend that we are explorers travelling around the world. We did that all the time when we were kids, remember?"_

 

_"Yeah, you've always dreamt about seeing the snow and the Northern Lights."_

 

_"And you've always dreamt about dancing in a Parisian ballroom."_

 

_"So, will our pretend journey ever end?"_

 

_"It will. Our journey will end when we reach it; the sky is our finish line."_

 

_"Heaven."_

 

_"Yes, Heaven, Paradise, the afterlife, whatever you want to call it."_

 

_"What happens if I reach there first?"_

 

_"You'll sleep because that's the end of our adventure. You'll be tired."_

 

_"I don't want to; you won't be there."_

 

_"Don't worry, I'll join you sooner or later."_

 

_"You'll forget me by then."_

 

_"Even if I do, I'll find you again. After all, we're forces of nature—you and I. And when I do, I'll take you on all the adventures you want."_

 

_"Promise?"_

 

_"Promise."_

 

☆

 

The steady rhythm of the heart monitor's beeping resonated in the heavy silence of the ward. It was continuous; one after another as if a city truck was backing up on the street, alerting everyone nearby. Each time it echoed in the stuffy room was a reassurance that life was still here. It gave her hope that his heart was still beating.

 

Then just out of nowhere, it changed its tone. This time the sound was constant. No breaks in between the beeps. Just a long high-pitched sound that pierced through the air and penetrated her ears. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the horizontal line stretching across the screen of the heart monitor.

 

Flatline.

 

Everything afterwards passed by in a blur to her. Doctors offered meaningless condolences while Jaemin's parents wept dolefully. On the other hand, the girl watched the scene unfold before her in disbelieving silence, barely registering the tragedy that had transpired.

 

She only snapped out of her grief-induced stupor when she caught a glimpse of her friend being wheeled out of the room and out of her reach with a white sheet concealing his frame.

 

The lump lodged in her throat grew larger and she found it harder to suppress the tears that were threatening to fall. Her mother strode over to her and laid a comforting hand on her trembling figure.

 

"It's okay, sweetheart. He's in a better place now." Her mother's words faded away into white noise as the girl stared blankly at the body on the stretcher being moved away by the people clad in white gowns.

 

She hated hearing all of the empty condolences people gave her and "he's in a better place now" claimed the top spot on her list. He wasn't supposed to be anywhere else. He was supposed to be here with her so that they could finish the rest of their adventure together. She didn't want to be left behind to continue their journey alone.

 

There was absolutely nothing comforting about that phrase to those grieving over their loss. It only confirmed the absence of the person they wish to have by their side.

 

Despite her inner turmoil, she hid her woes behind a fleeting smile and nodded mutely, hooded eyes glazed over and unblinking. When her mother enveloped her into a hug, she felt none of its customary warmth. A gaping hole taking the shape of a starry-eyed boy was left sitting in her chest—a hollow void where all of her emotions seemed to have vanished in.

 

She then spent the days following his death counting down to the funeral with the same numbness resting in her. Albeit, on the day of the funeral itself, she failed to show up, finding the thought of seeing the casket containing his body being lowered to the ground unbearable.

 

Days after Jaemin's burial, the girl was eventually able to muster up the will to visit his resting place through her mother's interminable persuasion.

 

It was overwhelming; every fibre of her being was consumed by dolour the moment she walked through the open, ancient iron-wrought gates which had rust flaking off of it. The misery in her surged with every expelled breath, always reaching higher peaks, never sufficiently soothed by her long intakes of the chilly autumn air. The pressure grew in her chest until she felt too light-headed to even hold herself upright.

 

Visiting his grave would be a confirmation, a slap from reality to her face, a cruel reminder that he was truly gone. She wondered idly if this decision of hers would be the bravest one she would ever make.

 

Taking trepidatious steps, the girl started making her way towards the newly constructed grave situated nearer to the gates. The crooked, crumbling gravestones weathered by decades of neglect were further back where the air was as still as the motionless bodies beneath the sodden ground.

 

The girl had once enjoyed her trips to the cemetery with Jaemin. But that was before she lost him. Back then, the two of them frequented the cemetery and viewed it as a place of solace where time seemed to stand still and only tranquillity existed. The two friends usually visited the older graves that were long forgotten by the living for even their mourners had joined them under the porous soil. It wasn't nice to be forgotten, she thought. That was why she and the boy tended to leave wildflowers on the old graves to reassure the restless souls that they were still remembered by someone even if it was a mere stranger.

 

No one wanted to be forgotten or to cease existing in people's memories. Hence, the dead were laid to rest with epitaphs engraved on the gravestones with promises of them remaining in their families' hearts forever. But the promises are always broken since the prospect of being forgotten one day was inevitable.

 

There is a Jewish saying that you die twice. The first time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time before you're eventually forgotten.

 

She'd be damned if she let him die a second time.

 

With that thought in mind, she steeled her resolve and quickened her pace.

 

Weaving past the gnarled trees hunched over the vast expanse of land, she wandered through the deserted cemetery with a heavy heart. She let her feet trod over decaying heaps of fallen scarlet and gold leaves until she arrived right in front of it.

 

Her gaze drifted to the name carved on the slate of marble. She swore she heard the sound of his voice as if he was right there with her but one quick survey of her surroundings proved that she was the only one around for miles.

 

Taking in a shaky breath of the frigid autumn air, she knelt down and brought her hand up to trace the letters of his name.

 

"You did it, Nana," she said in a faint voice, her grip on the bundle of wildflowers tightening, "you've reached the sky."

 

She placed the canary-yellow flowers on the grave with the utmost care. The bright, homely colour caused memories that she had shared with the boy to resurface from the dark recesses of her mind and replay themselves in her head.

 

☆

 

"I don't think you should come over anymore," the dark-eyed boy announced out of the blue, shattering the reverie she had immersed herself in.

 

The girl drew her lips into a thin line and set her yellow-coloured pencil down. "And why the hell not?"

 

"You're wasting your time on a dying person."

 

The girl said nothing though her hand faltered and a mustard-yellow line went astray from its original path. She resumed drawing with only a grim twist of her lips that belied her distress. The girl might not have given any indication that she had heard him but her friend could still see through her indifferent facade.

 

Jaemin heaved a weary sigh and sank further into his mattress.

 

She had given him too much: her time, her efforts, her smiles and her kindness. They were all squandered on him—a pitiful frail boy teetering on the edge between life and death and stuck in a limbo where he wasn't dead but wasn't living either. Here he was holed up in his room like an incongruous Rapunzel cursed to languish in a tower with his own body as his captor. And there she was, his valiant knight, scaling the tower every day to bring him wildflowers and decadent chocolate she had smuggled from her father's bakery with a ready smile and a sketchbook in hand.

 

"Why are you still here then?" he asked, failing to add the words: "with someone like _me_ ".

 

"I just thought my company might make you happy," the girl muttered, leaning forward to let her hair drape over her shoulder and hide her face like an inky-black curtain.

 

"Nothing makes me happy anymore," Jaemin replied matter-of-factly with a wry twist of his lips. The conversation came to a brief lull.

 

"I'm not sure if this is true," the girl began after a lapse of silence, dragging her colour pencil across the sketchpad in long thin strokes, "but I've read somewhere on the Internet that Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought that by consuming it, it would paint his insides bright and yellow and therefore make him happy. Of course, many people thought he was insane because the paint is toxic. But the person who posted that thought he was just like us."

 

The dark-eyed boy shifted in his sickbed, wearing an inquisitive look once his interest was piqued. "Why do you say so?"

 

"Well, imagine being so unhappy that even the strangest ideas could work like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow. It's really no different from falling in love or taking drugs. There is a great risk of getting your heart broken or overdosing. But people still do it anyway because there will always be that slight chance it could make things better for you."

 

The girl finished the last stroke of her drawing with a dramatic flourish of her wrist, the motion knocking her cluttered pencil case to the floor. She beamed like the sun, immensely pleased with herself when she succeeded in drawing a laugh from the boy with her antics.

 

"That person believes everyone has their yellow paint. And I believe you do too." The girl gently dropped her sketchpad onto the boy's lap. He stared at it, his lips curving up and his eyes growing teary when he realized that it was a simple drawing of him in yellow and white with a seraphic grin on his face. Unlike the real him, the drawing of him still had traces of happiness found in his vibrantly hued eyes.

 

"I think I know what my yellow paint is," the brunet said in a soft, dulcet voice which would have gone unheard by the girl if the room wasn't pin-drop silent at that moment.

 

"What is it?"

 

Jaemin lifted his gaze, locking eyes with the girl.

 

"You're my yellow paint."

 

☆

 

A wave of nostalgia washed over her as the girl bit back a bittersweet laugh upon reminiscing of her past with him.

 

Like the domino effect, her recollection of that poignant memory consequently set off a chain of events where snippets and fragments of the times she had spent with the boy flickered past her eyes like a rapid slideshow. Perhaps all of her memories of him would haunt her for life.

 

One, in particular, was a faint memory that lingered in the depths of her mind but had never fully surfaced into her consciousness until then. It took place on the day before he had left; the day before he had said his last farewell to her.

 

She had taken the brunet stargazing that night as per his wishes. It was a difficult feat to move the boy from his sickbed to the lawn outside since his legs were beyond the point of functioning. But in the end, witnessing his whole face light up in unadulterated bliss at the sight of sequin-silver stars dotting the atramentous stretch of night sky was worth all the troubles she had gone through. Seeing the unmistakable look of joy evident on his visage, a smile of her own danced across her lips. His happiness was infectious.

 

Compared to the pale, sickly boy bedridden from dawn to dusk, the boy standing in front of her with a carefree grin and radiant eyes looked alive for the first time since she had laid eyes on him.

 

When he swivelled around to beam at her, he held her gaze and her breath hitched. His usually dull, empty onyx orbs were full of renewed mirth and life.

 

Blue, brown and green were often romanticized in books and she didn't understand why black irises were always left out when they were equally gorgeous.

 

Jaemin's eyes weren't a shade of golden-brown or blue-green. Underneath the pale slivers of moonlight, they were pools of ink devouring light in their intensity; billowing clouds of volcanic ash - burying jet and obsidian in their depths. They were nebulous orbs that reflected the heavens, so dark that celestial bodies resided in it. The universe was captured in there and at that moment when their gazes locked, she finally knew what it meant to stargaze.

 

Last but not least, the most painful memory of him had taken place only a few hours before he had slipped into a permanent slumber. He had been lying on the hospital bed with tubes attached to his skin, looking frightened and emaciated. When he spoke, his voice was nothing more than a tentative whisper.

 

☆

 

"Tell me a secret."

 

"What kind of secret?" the girl said.

 

"Any kind."

 

_(There is light in your heart yet your mind is a dark, treacherous place. You absolutely baffle me. Your very existence is a paradox, a contradiction I can spend centuries studying without comprehending a single thing. You are mismatched, mistaken and misled. You are whole and apart and in-between.)_

 

"I don't keep any secrets from you."

 

"That's a lie. Everyone has at least one secret they've never shared with anybody."

 

_(You told me to forget you when you leave; you're asking me to do the impossible. From all the time we've spent together, I've memorized the slant of your brow, your constellation-like freckles, the sweep of your lashes and the rhythm of your steps. I would know you blind, deaf, numb, in this world or any other.)_

 

"Fine, here's a secret: I'm afraid."

 

"Of what?"

 

_(The dark. Things that go bump in the night. Being reminded of my own imperfections. Speaking to an audience, disappointing others, being alone for too long and you. I'm terrified of you because I gave you the power to destroy me and you don't even know it; you have no idea. I'm also less afraid of greeting death than I am of losing you, and that scares me too.)_

 

"Of butterflies."

 

"You're messing with me."

 

"No, really. I'm being serious. It's the weird scaly wings and their twitchy tiny insect legs that freak me out."

 

"Tell me another secret."

 

_(I love you, Na Jaemin.)_

 

☆

 

And those were the final words they had spoken to each other. He had slipped into the hands of death quietly and suddenly a few hours later, never learning her true secret.

 

"I'll find you again. After all, we're forces of nature—you and I," she whispered, hoping that the autumn wind would carry it to wherever the boy was.

 

Rising to her feet, she gazed heavenwards, her rheumy eyes awash with deep emotions. She cast one last look at the grave before turning and walking away, leaving her regrets at his resting place while harbouring remnants of sorrow in her lipid orbs.

 

☆

 

Maybe she had been deluding herself the whole fucking time. Visiting his grave did not bring her any closure, in fact, it brought about more sleepless nights where she laid awake in bed, mulling over the possible outcomes and scenarios if she had chosen to tell him everything that day.

 

"I love you."

 

Three words. Three words she refused to say even as she watched him take his final breath; even when she heard the numbered beats of his heart dwindle down to a complete zero.

 

She couldn't sleep. She didn't want to sleep. Even with her eyes closed, she could always see the haunting image of Jaemin smiling at her; his lips mouthing indecipherable words to her. He was everywhere but nowhere at the same time.

 

She saw Jaemin in the shadows of her room at night—gaunt face, alabaster skin and glassy eyes reflecting the moonbeams. When she shone her night lamp at him, the spot was empty, undisturbed by any presence. She saw him among the school children dangling from tree branches and laughing raucously as they dared one another to climb higher and higher. But when she went closer, none of them resembled her petite doe-eyed friend. They were too carefree, too happy, nothing like how the silent, pensive boy she knew behaved. Nonetheless, she watched the high-spirited children play, wearing a nostalgic smile because that used to be them in the halcyon days of their childhood before a terrible sickness rendered his legs forever immobile.

 

She began to see Jaemin in her dreams too. Sleep didn't come easy anymore. Pills after pills were forced down her throat every night because her therapist's word was the law. Sleep came then. And along with it, came the dreams. If you could even call them that. They were too real, too clear, too memorable.

 

In those dreams, she was aware of her every movement, every sensation, every feeling—everything. She was in control of herself in those peculiar dreams of hers which was one of the reasons that made those dreams very different from the others. But mainly, what differed those dreams from the rest was the visitor she saw every night in her dreamscape.

 

She remembered the first time it happened.

 

A pair of inky-black doe eyes locked with hers the moment her consciousness entered the dream. Her vision sharpened until she could make out a more youthful, subdued version of Peter Pan hovering over her. Upon recognising him, she wished with all her might he truly was here to whisk her away to their Neverland.

 

"Took you long enough, Sleeping Beauty," his voice, lilted and dulcet, rang out clearly, "we don't have all night, you do know that right?"

 

No, she didn't. She didn't know how he was standing before her right then. She was there to witness his departure. She saw him leave the living realm and into a place too far out of her reach. So how could he be in front of her, breathing, talking and smiling?

 

"Have you already forgotten about our promise?" She didn't need to look up to know there was a sulky, petulant pout forming on his lips. "You told me you'd take me anywhere."

 

The girl awoke from her restless slumber immediately afterwards, the residue of sleep fading away from her dilated eyes. Her own thunderous heartbeat pulsating in her chest was drowned out by his words replaying themselves in her head like a broken cassette tape.

 

She expected Jaemin to be sitting at the edge of her bed, smiling that perpetually faint smile of his and coaxing her to get her "lazy ass out of bed and get ready to go to school." Or hellhole, as he liked to call it.

 

But a quick scan around her room proved that she was alone. She sat there in her tear-stained sheets in a daze, her bones desperately aching for a ghost that was never really there in the first place.

 

☆

 

It happened again two days later. She decided to forgo her prescription, preferring to lose sleep to being tormented by the images of the boy that her imagination had conjured up.

 

Yet somehow, even without her pills, her consciousness descended into oblivion the instant her head touched her pillow. She then opened her eyes to a familiar mop of tousled brown hair covering her peripheral view.

 

"Hey again," the dark-haired boy spoke, his head tilting forward, causing his unruly locks of hair to frame his rheumy eyes. The girl resisted the urge to tuck the windblown strands behind his ear, acknowledging that it had become a habit over the years she had spent with him.

 

The boy crouched down to run his fingers through her dark tresses, evoking a flinch from her. "You've cut your hair."

 

The girl blinked owlishly up at him. "I've seen you."

 

"You've seen me...?" Jaemin arched a questioning brow.

 

Her next words stayed stuck as a growing lump in her throat. _I've seen you die._

 

"Come on, it's time you start keeping the promises you've made," Jaemin said, pulling her up with a surprising amount of strength. Bewildered, the girl gaped at him. The frail, sickly boy she knew who stayed cooped up indoors was gone. Instead, he was replaced by this lookalike with a healthy, flushed glow on his cheeks and a lively gleam in his eyes.

 

"What promise?" the girl managed to croak out. Her friend fixed her with a reproachful look.

 

"You promised me you'll take me on an adventure. And that we'll have fun together." He beamed, waving a hand towards the sight of a cerulean blue ocean expanding as far as she could see. She could have sworn the beach wasn't there when she first woke up in this strange dream.

 

The girl stifled a sob that threatened to escape through her lips.

 

_You're not real._

 

Shaking her head as if to physically rid herself of those thoughts, she chose to immerse herself into this delusion instead. She accepted the phantom's hand that was offered to her, noting the warmth emanating from his fingers entwined with hers. They ambled down the sloping hill towards the sandy shore, basking in a comfortable silence that the girl was accustomed to.

 

"What do you want to do?" the girl asked quietly, tightening her hold on Jaemin's hand, afraid that if she let go, he would slip away once more.

 

Jaemin gave her a wistful smile which she had missed seeing.

 

"I want to go on all the adventures we've dreamt of having."

 

☆

 

The night after, they roamed around an ancient forest. The girl was once again reminded of how realistic the dream was. She could hear the susurration of dried scarlet and gold leaves upon being trodden on, the distant twittering and warbling of songbirds and the light breathing of the dark-eyed boy walking beside her. It was frighteningly real.

 

She registered the way her body felt as if it was floating among the clouds but her mind, her consciousness was grounded to earth—aware and in control.

 

"This reminds me of the woods from Conjuring. Think we might see a ghost?" Jaemin commented, his face shining with glee as he skipped past gnarled trees and darted between the low-hanging branches. She couldn't recall the last time the boy had run so freely before his illness took that freedom away from him.

 

A fond smile danced across the girl's face as she dashed past the vegetation, in pursuit of the boy.

 

"Hurry up!" Jaemin called, his boisterous laughter echoing in the still air of the woods. The girl gulped, acutely aware of how the boy's figure was getting harder to spot as he weaved deftly through the dense shrubbery.

 

He was slipping away.

 

As if pained by the sudden revelation, the girl let out an involuntary gasp and her eyes flew open. The white whirring fan attached to the ceiling of her room was the first thing her eyes landed on.

 

☆

 

On the fourth night since the dreams had started, they ventured into an old, tumble-down medieval castle. 

 

The feel of weathering stone walls underneath her fingertips was as real as it could ever be and the cold draught billowing down the narrow passageways of the grand fortress sent shivers down her spine. The steeply twisting spiral staircases made out of marble; the rich tapestries of emerald green and gold; the massive oak doors; and the airy circular rooms in the towers were all moulded perfectly to the last details. Until now, she still couldn't believe all of this was a mere fabricated dream.

 

How could her mind materialise something that enchanting and beautiful on its own?

 

"Hey, wanna play hide-and-seek?" The girl looked in the direction of the voice. Jaemin was grinning at her from amongst a pile of velvet cushions on the window sill in the corner of the sprawling library they were exploring. 

 

The girl pursed her lips. "This castle is massive though. We might get lost."

 

She was far from willing to let the boy out of her sight and lose him again like what happened the previous night.

 

As if sensing her inner turmoil, Jaemin sent her a warm, placating smile.

 

"That's okay, even if we get lost, we'll find our way back to each other in the end. After all, we're forces of nature—you and I."

 

The girl reeled back in shock after hearing the same words she had told the boy ages ago, in another lifetime.

 

"You remembered?"

 

"How can I forget?"

 

Before she could respond, the brunet had already taken her hand in his and was leading her out of the library and down numerous hallways, laughing and cheering, high on his own euphoria.

 

Not wanting to sour the mood by bringing up their past, the girl listened to his light laughter whilst her heart grew heavier with every step she took.

 

☆

 

It soon got to the point where the girl looked forward to going to sleep more than she looked forward to waking up. Every night when she closed her eyes, a starry-eyed boy with a permanent smile on his face greeted her in her dreamland. And every dawn, when she roused from her sleep, she was painfully aware of an unbearable hollowness sitting in her chest.

 

So she waited for sleep to arrive.

 

She waited for the entire day to finally meet the person that would fill up the void in her temporarily. In school and at home, under her teachers' and parents' watchful eyes, she put on a show. She acted like there wasn't an empty space, which was devoid of her one and only friend, in her life. It was all for the sake of retaining some sort of normalcy and keeping up the facade that she could function like a normal human being despite her loss. But inwardly, she acknowledged that even though the world could move on without him in it, there was no way in hell she could.

 

Nighttime was the perfect distraction from her problems. Her dreams were now a form of solace where she could see a lookalike of her best friend and embark on whimsical adventures to wherever her imagination could take them.

 

They attended a masquerade ball on the fifth night. The moment the dream began, the girl found herself traipsing down the marble staircase fluidly despite the anthracite ankle-length gown she had donned restricting her movements. She felt a light weight resting on top of the bridge of her nose and reached up with one hand to brush across the surface of a mask before removing it. The black mask sitting in her hands was gilded with gold and encrusted with precious multicoloured gemstones that coruscated under the harsh lighting of the ostentatious ballroom. When she placed the adornment back on, it concealed half of her face but recognition dawned on Jaemin's face nonetheless when he greeted her at the bottom of the stairs.

 

Jaemin wore an ornate mask with a golden base and intricate ebony designs and he gave off the refined air of a debonair _chaebol_ (like the ones in the shitty k-dramas he liked watching) in his impeccable wrinkle-free suit. The girl suppressed the urge to card her fingers through his slicked-back hair which was styled handsomely to frame his heart-shaped face. She wasn't used to seeing him in formal attire though she couldn't deny that it was a good look on him.

 

Like the perfect gentleman he was, Jaemin took her gloved hand in his and helped her down the last few steps whilst openly appraising her. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze as they stood face to face, drinking in the sight of each other; they both cracked a smile after a brief lapse of silence.

 

The brunet tucked a stray cowlick behind his ear with his head lowered, the gesture conveying how self-conscious he was. "How do I look?"

 

A slow, lazy smirk stretched across the girl's red-tinted lips as her gimlet eyes scanned him up and down. "With your eyes of course."

 

She was awarded a moue from the dark-eyed boy and she let loose a laugh, barely flinching when her friend swatted at her exposed shoulder.

 

"Sorry but you walked right into that one," she snorted, unapologetic.

 

"You hoe," Jaemin huffed, visibly annoyed as he motioned to walk away in a show of petulance. The girl pulled him back by his sleeve and spun him around, her hands settling on his slender waist and drawing him closer until their faces were inches apart. She could hear the hitch in Jaemin's breath and feel the warmth emanating from him despite the layer of clothes in between his waist and her palms. Wondering where her sudden bout of confidence came from, the girl stared at Jaemin with a diamond-bright intensity until heat crept up the boy's neck and a blush formed on the planes of his cheeks.

 

"Do you even need to ask? You look beautiful." The tender whisper left her lips and the brunet stared at her, slack-jawed.

 

The orchestra chose that moment to sprung to life. The soft instrumental tune soared through the air like an eagle on an up-draft, taking with it the very souls of the listening audience and drowning out all other sounds. As the music crescendoed, shadowy figures in satin, silk dresses and opulent suits glided mindlessly past the duo towards the dance floor, all poised and positioned with their respective partners in front of them.

 

Before Jaemin could formulate an articulate response, the girl grabbed his hand and lifted it to her lips. They brushed against his knuckles in a chaste kiss and she looked at him through her lashes with a sly, inviting smile. Jaemin's mouth went dry.

 

"May I have this dance?"

 

The flustered boy blinked owlishly. "What?"

 

"Dance with me, Nana."

 

"I– yeah, o-okay but..." Jaemin fumbled with his words, his blush intensifying, "I can't dance."

 

The girl raised a brow and said flatly, "And you think I can?"

 

She proceeded to drag him towards the centre of the ballroom with his hand still clasped in hers, her gown billowing around her. "Come on, we can look like idiots together on the dance floor."

 

Giggling rambunctiously, the duo half-ran half-walked towards an empty space on the dance floor as they both struggled to move in their constricting shoes. They reached the heart of the ballroom just as the music simmered down into a low hum. The shadowy figures closed in on them to form a barricade but they still gave the two teenagers a wide berth as if they knew the limelight was specially for them and only them in this fabricated fantasy of theirs. She didn't mind all that much—the extra space created the illusion of them being the only two in the sprawling ballroom.

 

The youths turned to face each other. The girl cracked a smile once she saw how Jaemin was at a loss of what to do. His hands were hovering in mid-air awkwardly and there was a tiny crease between his brows as he tried to figure out where to place his hands.

 

"Put your left hand on my shoulder," she instructed patiently then took his other hand in hers. Gingerly, she rested her free hand on his hips. She could feel the muscles in his back tensing upon contact.

 

"Wait, why am I in the woman's position?" Jaemin inquired with a growing flush, quickly catching on. Due to his illness, it stunted his growth and she surpassed him by just an inch. The slight height difference between them was hardly noticeable from afar but it made quite a difference when she was wearing heels.

 

The girl cleared her throat. "You're shorter than me."

 

Jaemin's mouth formed a small "o" though he said nothing else and allowed her to take the lead with a nod. They flitted across the dance floor like a pair of wraiths, their motions fluid and graceful despite their inexperience and the girl wondered if it was part of the dream's enchantments. Their adventure finally came to a close when the girl pulled the brunet into a low dip. With her hand supporting the small of his back, she let her gaze trace over the slope of his nose and downwards to his lips, yearning to rip the blasted mask off so that she could commit his features to memory without any obstruction. Before she could carry out the action, the edges of the dream blurred into an opalescent tint and when her vision sharpened again, all she could see was the blades of her ceiling fan spinning round and round and round... 

 

On the sixth night, they boarded a train that headed aimlessly towards an undecided destination. They peered out of the glass window and admired the passing scenery of lush meadows, bustling villages, sparkling lakes and snowy mountains. In the midst of their journey, raindrops began falling, hitting the windowpane with a rhythmic pitter-patter that lulled her into a sleepy state of tranquillity. She could discern the muted tune of 'Spring Day' playing in the background from the steady chugging of the train's engine and idly thought that the song was fitting for the journey they were on right now. Meanwhile, the dark-eyed boy hummed softly to it as he sent her a fleeting smile before gazing out of the train with a childlike, exultant glimmer in his round orbs.

 

On the seventh night, they went dancing in a neon night club. Inside the club, it was like dancing among the Northern Lights; beneath the dry-ice smoke swirled an array of blues, acid greens, hot pinks and gold. The music played over the dance floor as if it had fused with the bodies. The air was electrified with buzzing energy as every faceless stranger fed off the alcohol-induced joy and the insistent rhythm of the pulsing music.

 

The Chase Atlantic songs blasting from the speakers were familiar to the girl and she screamed the lyrics to each track at the top of her voice along with the boy as the ground tremored beneath her feet. She could go like this all night long, body turning and twirling as though it belonged to the music. She moved fluidly in her form-fitting sheath dress, her hips swaying to the beat as the sequins caught the disco ball light that spun above—launching every shade on the colour spectrum into the dimly-lit corners of the club.

 

On the eighth night, they ended up sipping freshly blended fruit smoothies underneath the tropical sun in a pool resort. The girl tried persuading Jaemin to enter the cooling water of the pool but to no avail. Tired of being refused to, she picked the boy up with ease—her arms supporting the small of his back and his slender legs—before tossing him into the pool. The boy emitted a shrill squeak and broke through the surface of the water, sputtering and gasping for breath while the girl cackled sadistically. He glared at her through his sopping wet fringe but the effect was ruined by the mirthful beam blooming on his countenance. She woke up with a matching grin of her own and she swore she could still feel the sun against her skin and the cooling sensation of water running down her flushed cheeks.

 

On the ninth night, they visited an old Shinto shrine on the outskirts of a sakura forest. The girl and the boy donned matching yukatas as they wandered through the pink-speckled forest. They often paused to admire the soft petals gently gliding towards the earth before sitting down underneath the pink canopy of a tree all dressed up in a light rosy hue. The brunet picked up a copious amount of fallen flowers and wove them into a neat cherry blossom crown—taking care not to crease the petals—before placing it on his head. Winking one eye and holding up two peace signs, he struck a pose for her and succeeded in eliciting a laugh from her. When they returned to the shrine, they had a tea break that consisted of assorted mochi and herbal tea as they gazed out of the balcony and at the snow-capped Mount Fuji in the distance.

 

On the tenth night together in the dreamland, it snowed. It was a winter wonderland—the colour of white itself became a landscape of hills and valleys. She could hardly tell where the ground and the sky parted. The first flurry of snow cascaded down from the sky, drifting in the rogue, frigid cold wind before settling over the land like a cloak of pure ivory. She laughed jovially, exhilarated by the captivating landscape.

 

A tiny intricately-patterned snowflake pirouetted in mid-air and landed on the tip of the boy's nose. He scrunched his nose up and giggled softly at the coldness seeping into his skin. The girl felt all sorts of warmth inside as she watched the endearing sight of the boy frolicking in the snow. The white, fine powder dusted his hair and clothes while the cold turned his cheeks a rosy shade of red and goddamnit, it must be illegal to look this cute.

 

The girl blamed it on the bottle of sparkling pink champagne she had taken a swig out of earlier on when she reached over to brush away the frost sticking to Jaemin's long lashes, all-too-aware of his widened, doe eyes gazing up at her.

 

The brunet mustered a bright smile. Eyes that resembled crescent moons crinkled at the corners while his lips mouthed out her name in a breathless whisper. His smile was the sunray and she was a sunburn. The girl tried to steady her erratic breathing as she recovered from the vertiginous high of falling in love all over again.

 

This continued on for several more days with them visiting unknown lands and witnessing sights they could have never seen back in the living world. In her dreams, there was an endless number of possibilities that could come true. Nowadays, it seemed as if she lived only to slip into her escape from reality when dusk fell.

 

One night, whilst trekking through a graveyard that bore an uncanny likeness to the one the boy was buried in, the girl voiced out a question that had been lingering in her mind for the longest time.

 

"Hey, Nana." The boy whirled around at the sound of her tentative call.

 

"Yes?

 

"I've been thinking–"

 

"What a miracle."

 

The girl lifted one poised hand into the air as a warning and Jaemin sensibly remained quiet.

 

The girl continued, "I've been thinking. Do you ever wonder whether the universe fights for our souls to be together?"

 

The corner of the boy's lips slowly curved up into some crumpled copy of a smile as he turned his back to her. The girl's intense gaze drilled holes into the back of his skull as she tried to comprehend the enigma standing before her.

 

In the slightest of whispers that could have gone unheard if she wasn't listening closely, the boy spoke at last, "How else could I be here?"

 

The girl stiffened but chose not to pry further. She wasn't satisfied with having to tiptoe around him, forever cautious of what she could or could not say despite the fact that all of her burning questions were on the tip of her tongue. She wouldn't take any risks that might ruin whatever they have right now. She could go on living like this for a little longer.

 

The two friends resumed their exploration of the burial ground and its crumbling mausoleums. The only indication of their brief conversation was the tension between the two that didn't exist before.

 

On the nineteenth night, everything went downhill.

 

She woke up on a sloping hill and the boy, as always, was by her side when she came to.

 

"What are we doing today?" the girl chirped earnestly, wondering where they might travel to. Her enthusiasm evoked an airy chuckle from her friend.

 

"We are going to watch something amazing happen."

 

The girl cocked her head to the side. "What is it?"

 

Wordlessly, the boy pointed up at the indigo stretch of sky. Her gaze followed the direction of his index finger and a breathless "holy shit" left her parted lips. A huge shower of falling stars plummeted from the sky as incandescent sparks and nuclear fusion of light and energy, resembling miniature suns hurtling across the sky in streaks of luminous gold and fiery orange.

 

When the girl turned to see the brunet's reaction, he was already staring at her with a gentle smile. She no longer had the desire to watch the spectacle of falling stars, bewitched by the beauty of the being before her. The boy's iridescent eyes alone contained the stars, the moon and the entire galaxy in their wondrous depths and she couldn't resist falling deeper into them. It was like reliving her memories all over again.

 

"I wish we could stay here like this forever," the girl blurted out the first thought that came to mind.

 

A flicker of a knowing smile stretched across the boy's chapped lips. "We can. We can stay here for eternity if you want to."

 

Her grin fell and the happiness she felt was replaced by an overwhelming onslaught of conflicting emotions. She felt her chest constrict with immense grief and her head throb with a sharp spike of rage. She didn't know where the sudden anger came from; perhaps it had been there all along and she had simply bottled it up and ignored it. And all her pent-up emotions had snowballed into one giant fucking mess.

 

" _Don't_. Seriously. Don't give me empty promises and false hopes," the girl said tersely, jaws tightened and fists clenched, "I'm not some lovesick schoolgirl who'll keep believing every damn lie you say."

 

The smile on the boy's face disappeared as fast as the flame of a candle that had been snuffed out in one breath. After a lapse of silence, he managed to force out a strangled word with a Herculean effort. _"What?"_

 

"You aren't real—none of this is real." She couldn't stop herself despite being fully aware of the irreversible consequences. The brunet stared at her with widened eyes full of distraught, looking as if he couldn't recognise the person before him anymore.

 

"I–" Jaemin began, his voice thick with underlying emotions as he struggled to form a coherent response. Pins and needles pricked his constricting throat and speaking was suddenly an impossible task for the phantom. He could feel a part of him splinter into two as he recalled her venomous tone and stormy expression which she was still wearing. "I just–"

 

He was cut off by the fuming girl.

 

"For eternity? That's bullshit and you know it," she said accusingly, her narrowed eyes staring daggers into the boy's frightened ones, "none of this lasts! We have fun together in this dream and then I wake up and you disappear to God-fucking-knows-where afterwards; how can you say we'll be together forever? You're _nothing_ but a goddamn ghost that keeps coming back to haunt me so don't promise me anything that you can't give."

 

She took a harsh intake of air, shutting her eyes and counting to ten in her head. When she reopened them, her heart sank. Crystalline tears were running down the arc of her friend's pallid cheeks in silvery rivulets and he made no move to wipe them away.

 

"I'm sorry, I swear I didn't mean to say all of that," the girl breathed and motioned to cup his face. Jaemin shrank away from her hand and inhaled shakily.

 

"No, _I'm_ sorry," the boy whispered, a new set of tears brimming in his eyes. The light in them had gone out.

 

Her insides twisted into a tight knot as she sat back helplessly and watched the boy shed the last of his tears before he faded away into a misty fog along with the rest of their surroundings.

 

She woke up to a drenched spot on her pillow and an ache in her chest that she knew would last until she could see him again.

 

☆

 

On the twentieth night, the boy didn't show up. She went to sleep just a few minutes past her curfew, hoping to see the boy looming over her with an expectant smile. But when she opened her sleep-ridden eyes in the morning and realised she had a dreamless sleep, the pain gripping her heart in its cruel grasp was immeasurable. A lance of fear coursed through the entirety of her being and she fisted her blanket with white-knuckled hands. She was terrified. Terrified of never seeing his onyx eyes, terrified of never feeling his skin underneath her fingertips, terrified of never seeing his smile again.

 

The following week, she saw no signs of the boy in her dreams and woke up, alone, bitter and cold.

 

She went through each day like a mindless robot, her body running automatically on muscle memory. Her parents, her teachers, her classmates and her therapist were all concerned. But she couldn't care less about what they think of her. After all, she won't be seeing them anymore after that day.

 

When she stepped out of the school compounds on the thirtieth day, she made a pit-stop at a nearby pharmacy before returning home. She swiftly made her way to the kitchen to get a glass of water; her movements were unhurried and purposeful as she grabbed the bottle of pills and unscrewed the lid without pausing to let any second thoughts hold her back. She downed both the pills and the water without hesitation.

 

She proceeded to scramble towards the couch as quickly as she could before the side effects kicked in. When it eventually happened, it became a struggle for her to stay upright. 

 

Multi-coloured phosphenes flashed across her eyes as darkness crept along the edges of her vision before her heart ultimately gave out and her system shut down one by one. Taking in one last shaky breath of air, she shut her weary eyes and willed herself to fall asleep. And at last, she succumbed to the drugs in her system without putting up a fight.

 

Sleep came easy that day.

 

"WAKE UP!" Blunt nails dug into her shoulders as someone roughly shook her awake whilst screaming in anguish over and over again. Inwardly groaning at how loud the voice was, she peeled open her eyes to meet teary, obsidian ones glowering down at her. 

 

Her memories came flooding back like a powerful tidal wave crashing into a cove at a turbulent sea upon gazing into the pair of eyes she had longed to see for the past week. She sat up hurriedly, her heart thudding against her ribcage like a trapped wildebeest struggling to escape its bone-barred prison.

 

The boy levelled a gaze as blank as a slate on her but his entire frame was trembling like a leaf caught in a tempestuous wind. She called his name desperately, desperation leaking into her tremulous voice as she tried to evoke some sort of reaction from him.

 

"You goddamn idiot," Jaemin spoke at long last, the tears welled up in his eyes flowing down freely. He raised one hand and hit her shoulder in a half-hearted attempt to convey his anger. "Do you realise what you have done!?"

 

The girl smiled ruefully with downcast eyes. "Yeah, I tried overdosing. I think it worked."

 

He let out a heart-wrenching sob and seized her shoulders in a vice-like grip before placing his ear over the area where her heart was.

 

"Is it still beating?" the girl asked, encircling her arms around his thin waist.

 

"Yes, but your pulse is too weak. The doctors hooked you up to all kinds of machines but they don't think it's going to work," the teary-eyed boy whimpered, balling the crisp fabric of her uniform blouse into his fists, "you're dying."

 

"Okay," said the girl.

 

The brunet snapped his head up so fast he could have given himself whiplash.

 

"For God's sake, why the hell are you like this?" His lips quivered as a telltale sign of a fast-approaching breakdown.

 

"You said we can spend an eternity together." The girl inclined her head to the side in bemusement. "Isn't this the only way for that to happen?"

 

Jaemin gawked at her, rendered speechless for a moment before hitting her arm. The girl winced and rubbed the smarting spot but didn't retaliate since she knew he did it for a good reason.

 

"I thought you might have grown a little smarter after I died but I was wrong," the boy said curtly, trying to sound furious but the defeated, resigned look marring his delicate features only expressed his unspoken devastation, "why would you ever think I would want my best friend to kill herself to be with someone like me? I missed you so much but this isn't the way–"

 

"Then how? You tell me," the girl snapped, her lips twisting into a snarl while her eyes shone with a sheen of angry tears. The boy flinched in shock at her outburst. "How am I supposed to go through the whole day knowing my best friend will only come back to me during the night? How the hell am I supposed to live like this—knowing I'd much rather sleep permanently than wake up again just so I don't have to keep seeing you leave me."

 

Silence draped over them like a blanket of snow. There was a heavy oppression in the air but neither of them wanted to make the first move to address each other and the elephant in the room.

 

Finding the tension unbearable, Jaemin heaved a sigh, drying the last of his tears with the heel of his palm. "Why do you care so much that I'm gone? Just move on like everyone else. I won't mind."

 

The girl held the boy's grim gaze for a few seconds. His eyes told her otherwise.

 

She gritted her teeth and steeled her resolve. "I thought you would have realised how my whipped ass is so fucking in love with you by now–"

 

The boy emitted an unintelligible, strangled noise from the back of his throat.

 

"–but clearly you haven't yet so I'm telling you now. I love you, dumbass. I love you and I'd say it a million times over if that's what it takes to convince you." The girl looked up at the boy imploringly, begging to whatever deity above he could feel every ounce of her sincerity in her words and believe her.

 

The boy gulped visibly, looking down to hide the sear of heat spreading across his flushed face.

 

"But don't you want to go back?" Jaemin asked, wringing his hands.

 

The girl shook her head vigorously as a resolute 'no'.

 

"Why not? You have your whole life ahead of you—you wanted to be a writer, you wanted to visit Paris and you wanted to adopt three cats and live in a cottage in an English countryside with the love of your life. All your dreams can't come true if you don't go back; you can't just give them all up for someone like me."

 

"Yeah, I do dream about accomplishing those things. But you've never realised that those dreams don't mean shit to me if you aren't with me. I want to be a writer but what's the point if you won't ever be able to read the stories I've written? I want to travel to Paris but only if you're there with me, taking dumb pictures of us in front of the Eiffel tower or in a fancyass café eating croissants. And who do you think I want to adopt three cats with and live together until we grow old and wrinkly? You're not just anyone, Na Jaemin. You're the dense idiot I've fallen in love with and I won't have it any other way."

 

The boy let out a watery laugh as a fresh onslaught of tears—joyful ones—made their way down the arc of his cheeks.

 

The girl smiled demurely and leaned closer to cradle his tear-stained face in her palms.

 

"So? What's your response to me pouring my heart out and confessing my undying love for you?"

 

"Wow, you're unbelievable." Jaemin chuckled, placing his hands over hers. "And so damn cheesy too. I thought you hate sappy stuff since you always complained about those cliché romantic tropes in the k-dramas that I forced you to watch."

 

The girl punched the boy's shoulder playfully with a huge grin stretching from ear to ear.

 

"Shut up, it's meant to be a heartfelt speech. And I only binged all those bullshit dramas with you because it gave me an excuse to be close to you."

 

A darkening red hue dusted the expanse of his cheeks as he averted his gaze from hers.

 

"This is a new level of shamelessness, even for you. Those drugs must have ruined your brain-to-mouth filter," he mumbled under his breath, "keep saying things like that and my heart might combust."

 

"Right back at you," the girl said with a fond eyeroll, "keep being this cute and I might kiss you."

 

"What's stopping you then?" the brunet asked quietly. The girl gave him a long look, wondering if he was being coy but only saw genuine curiosity palpable on his visage.

 

Without a single moment of hesitation, she leaned in and caught his rosebud lips in a bruising kiss. The boy sighed blissfully into the kiss and angled his head to respond with just as much enthusiasm. There wasn't any explosion of sparks flying or butterflies being released and fluttering amok in her stomach. There was just an inexplicable serenity that convinced her of how natural and right it felt to hold him like this and to have his dainty form pressed up against hers.

 

When they parted, they simply gazed into each other's eyes, basking in the combined warmth of their bodies. If she was a mere onlooker of this sight, she would have done what she normally would do while watching cheesy rom-coms which were gag and look the other way. But this was her moment now, and she was sharing it with him in this special little world made for the two of them. Maybe she finally understood why the protagonists in every romance film stared at each other as if the other was the only one worth admiring in the whole world.

 

"Stay," Jaemin whispered. The girl didn't need any elaboration. Looking around, she noticed that the default landscape of an open grassland had shifted into the countryside. 

 

The land stretched before her in an endless sweep of golden, brown and green squares held together by the thick green stitching of the hedgerows. It rose and fell like giant waves on a gentle ocean and was dotted with animals. Occasionally, there was a woodland that separated the fields full of grazing cattle, or a barn or an empty town square (it was just for show but she appreciated its existence nonetheless since it meant there were more places to explore). Behind them, was their own quaint cottage perched on the peak of the hill they were currently on top of.

 

She could envision her afterlife mapped out before her, rambling through pastures and over stiles, visiting the antique stores in town and living in their cosy cottage with Jaemin by her side. She entwined their hands together and felt at peace with the world.

 

The boy nudged her gently and gestured to the space behind her with a dazzling grin etched on his face. She turned to see three kittens scurrying up to them on tubby little paws, each purring and bounding around them for attention while nuzzling their legs with their soft fur. The girl physically melted at the endearing sight. The felines were so fluffy—they looked like a walking ball of fluff, cuteness and everything pure and good in the world. The girl dramatically wiped away a tear forming in the corner of her eye.

 

"I swear to God, if I had a ring with me right now, I'm getting down on one knee to propose to you." The girl scooped up all three kittens into the crook of her arms as she planted a peck on the boy's lips.

 

He laughed and took a sleepy calico kitty from her. "This is our world that we will be living in from now on. Of course, I have to make sure you get to live out at least three out of four of your dreams here."

 

"This must be Heaven."

 

"Yes, Heaven, Paradise, the afterlife, whatever you want to call it," Jaemin repeated the words she had told him a lifetime ago.

 

The girl smiled. "I love you."

 

For a brief second, she feared that the boy wouldn't feel the same way but she realised she had nothing to worry about when he chuckled and gave her a lopsided smile.

 

"I love you too."

 

She was just about to drag the boy into their new house and kiss him until his lips turn a ruddy red and his lungs beg for air when the three kittens in their arms mewed in unison and it kind of ruined the moment (there were three pairs of round innocent eyes peering up at them, how was she supposed to do anything remotely risque without feeling guilty?).

 

Jaemin laughed, as though he could read her thoughts, and when all three kittens were set down so that they could roam about, he pulled her into the cottage with come-hither eyes, a coquettish smile and an unspoken promise of something more.

 

_I've found you._

  
  


-END-

  
  


Bonus:

 

_"Can we get a Samoyed too?"_

 

_"Sure, what do you want to name it?"_

 

_"Sammie. Ya know, short for the 'Samo' in Samoyed."_

 

_"They are both two syllables?"_

 

_"Oh."_

 

_"This is why I named the cats, dipshit."_

 

_"...Your petnames for me are even worse."_

  
  


**Poem by JAYEWHY (my lovely friend and my no.1 fan)**

_Yellow Paint and Stars_

_Vincent Van Gogh once swallowed,_

_Yellow paint to hide the blue._

_I told you people did such things_

_Hoping it could make things better for you._

_Everyone has their yellow paint_

_They take each day to breathe,_

_And you told me your yellow paint,_

_Was the girl right in front of you._

_And I said nothing back,_

_Though a galaxy swirled in your eyes_

_An entire universe,_

_All destined to die._

 

_On the day that you left me,_

_You wanted to have an adventure._

_One final memory,_

_To bind our souls together._

_And you wanted to wait for me,_

_Even though you've reached the sky._

_But there's nothing but memories_

_You've already left my side_

_A forgotten grave is all that remains_

_Of your onyx starry eyes._

_Still I lay yellow flowers on a tomb,_

_For a boy who never died._

 

_We had so many adventures together_

_Just like you said we would._

_The day had nothing left to give_

_For only nights can we meet._

_And I didn't want to wake to a world_

_That didn't have you in it._

_I longed for your dreams, forgot the days._

_Fading from reality._

 

_On the night where you left me,_

_The midnight sky was ablaze,_

_A thousand falling stars,_

_Tumbling from my gaze._

_I wanted to stay forever,_

_And you told me why not?_

_But I knew then my dreams with you_

_Were only Ephemeral Eternity._

 

_On the twentieth night as I closed my eyes_

_You left me for the second time._

_I woke up in the morning,_

_Pain striking like a lance._

_I drifted through my days,_

_Like the ghost that you are now._

_My love for you was stronger than death,_

_And you will always wait for me,_

_In heaven, in paradise, in the afterlife,_

_The end of our journey._

_I didn't hesitate as I swallowed those pills._

_And closed my eyes for the last time._

 

_For once sleep came easy_

_And I finally saw your face,_

_You wanted me to leave you_

_To exist in my world instead,_

_You foolish boy who've broken my heart,_

_The thing you didn't realise_

_Was that you have become my world,_

_During all those fantastical nights._

_And that in death with you,_

_I've never felt more alive._

_So I'll spend eternity with you_

_In an English countryside_

_And finally live out my happy ending,_

_Yellow paint and stars_

 


End file.
